TWoP - Features Blog

Flexo

Wed, 14 May 2008 05:23:42 -0500

Bender's doppelgänger on Futurama -- his exact double (both their serial numbers are even expressible as the sum of two cubes!), except for what Hermes terms a "stylish goatee." When first their paths cross, Bender tries to frame Flexo for stealing an atom of Jumbolium; later, Bender strikes up a relationship with Flexo's ex, Anglelyne (voice of Jan Hooks).

Carmindy

Tue, 13 May 2008 05:21:28 -0500

Official makeup artist for the U.S. version of What Not To Wear; exponent of "the 5-minute face" (as chronicled in her 2007 book of the same title); disdainer of surnames.

Nash, Niecy

Mon, 12 May 2008 05:19:30 -0500

Multi-talented TV multi-threat. If you're not a fan of her somewhat broad portrayal of Deputy Raineesha Williams on Comedy Central's Reno 911! (and when we say "broad," we don't just mean her prosthetic ass), you can head over to the Style network, where you probably won't be more than three hours away from seeing her berating degenerate hoarders on Clean House. Her delightfully scratchy voice makes Taryn Manning sound like Jennifer Ehle. We love her.

Twisted Misters

Sun, 11 May 2008 05:04:34 -0500

Winners of VH1/Entertainment Weekly's 2007 World Series Of Pop Culture. That one little dude didn't really get to do much, but he deserves even more credit than his teammates for rocking that Angus Young shorts suit for the whole tournament. Eat it, Wocka Wocka!

Adam

Sat, 10 May 2008 05:02:33 -0500

Obstreporous yet brilliant hermit chef portrayed on Northern Exposure by Adam Arkin, in a ratty wig and several days' beard growth. Once the series had been on for a while, we learned that the surprisingly worldly Adam was married to the surprisingly worldly Eve (Valerie Mahaffey), stroppy, neurotic hypochondriac, not that Valerie Mahaffey probably could play any other kind.

Honky Grandma Be Trippin'

Fri, 09 May 2008 05:49:30 -0500

Hit movie vehicle for Tracy Jordan (Tracy Morgan) on 30 Rock. SEE ALSO Fat Bitch.

Empire Today

Thu, 08 May 2008 05:47:55 -0500

Flooring specialists whose TV jingle is so soothingly mellifluous that when you read the following, it will be in your head all day: "Eight hundred five eight eight, two three hundred, Empire!"

Hank Scorpio

Wed, 07 May 2008 05:11:35 -0500

As the mysterious head of the Globex Corporation, Hank Scorpio (voice of Albert Brooks) manages to be both an international supervillain and the nicest boss ever. In "You Only Move Twice," Globex attempts to recruit Smithers, but when he turns them down, they move on to SNPP's next most senior employee: Homer. The family moves to the Globex company town of Cypress Creek, where Homer enjoys a great deal of contact with his CEO: Scorpio introduces himself to Homer at his new house and cheerfully hands over his moccasins -- and in the middle of a Fun Run, no less. Later, he advises Homer on where to get some hammocks for the office (the Hammock District, down on 3rd), learns Homer's dearest wish (to own the Dallas Cowboys), and seeks Homer's ruling on which country he likes more -- Italy or France. (Hint: "No one ever says France.") In the end, Homer decides to leave Cypress Creek and Globex -- the best job he's ever had -- for the sake of his struggling family, but never one to forget an employee, Scorpio sends him off with a parting gift: the Denver Broncos. Over the closing credits, a Shirley Bassey-esque chanteuse favours the viewer with Scorpio's theme song:

Scorpio!
He'll sting you with his dreams, of power and wealth.
Beware of... Scorpio!
His twisted twin obsessions are his plot to rule the world
And his employee's health.
He'll welcome you into his lair
Like the nobleman welcomes his guest!
With free dental care and a stock plan that helps you invest!
But beware of his generous pensions
Plus three weeks paid vacation each year
And on Fridays the lunch room serves hot dogs and burgers and beer!
Yes, real German beer!

Filler, Using DVR To Avoid

Tue, 06 May 2008 05:07:50 -0500

There are those who bitterly rail against commercial interruptions in their favourite shows, but we don't mind them so much, for one simple reason: we virtually never watch live TV, and we just fast-forward through the commercials. What we mind is when the interruptions of a show's action are embedded in the show itself. But the advantage of watching recorded TV -- especially shows whose every episode follows a rigid structural format -- is that you get to know which parts you can skip. In The Apprentice, you get about four seconds of pointless establishing shots surrounding every return from commercials, and you can definitely skip the whole ceremony of Apprentices filing into the boardroom, until Trump actually opens his mouth and starts talking -- ditto Survivor, except substitute "Tribal Council" for "boardroom" and "Probst" for "Trump." On Top Model, you don't need a recap in every episode of what the prizes and who the judges are. Colbert Report? Two FF clicks while he's running over to interview his guest. Jeopardy!? Cut right past Alex's interviews with the contestants. What Not To Wear? You can get it down to just the airing of the secret footage for the contributor, the 360-degree segment, the time spent in stores, and only about 50% of the final reveal; the contributor interviews are almost always the same, and if he or she is going to be really stroppy with Nick or Carmindy, they'll let you know in the pre-commercial bumper before that segment. Big Brother, American Idol? Damn, you can really fast-forward almost all of that shit. Frankly, you should be ashamed of yourself for even recording them in the first place.

Duke Phillips' House of Chicken and Waffles

Mon, 05 May 2008 05:05:43 -0500

Former name of Phillips Broadcasting, the media empire owned by megalomaniacal southern billionaire Duke Phillips on The Critic. You may think Duke is a thin gloss on Ted Turner, simply because of Duke's cowboy persona (he's often photographed on horseback), barely-concealed hick affectations (the animatronic country bear jamboree is hidden behind a wall in his office), and the fact that he owns a cable news network (Phillips News Network, or PNN), but you'd be wrong. Was Ted Turner ever able to make others do his bidding by using the hypnotic power of his eeeeeeevil eye? ...Oh. Well in that case...

Birkitt, Stephanie

Sun, 04 May 2008 05:04:12 -0500

Stephanie Birkitt is both a real assistant to David Letterman on CBS's Late Show, and the woman who portrays "Stephanie Birkitt" -- long-suffering, sometimes humour-impaired Letterman assistant -- on the show. Her before-the-camera work has included her reporting from various Olympic games, handing out prizes during audience segments, and showing Letterman photos documenting how she spends her free time -- which tends to involve a lot of snacking, which may be part of why we like her so much.

Fort Awesome

Sat, 03 May 2008 05:02:09 -0500

Name of the palatial country estate owned by Jimmy James (Stephen Root) of NewsRadio. Fort Awesome is the site where Jimmy reveals to his WNYX news directors such secrets of management as "Measure twice, cut once," "No shirt, no shoes, no service," and "Whoomp! There it is!"

The Rural Juror

Fri, 02 May 2008 05:00:11 -0500

Based on the novel of the same name by Kevin Grisham (brother of John), The Rural Juror is a big-screen courtroom drama and star vehicle for Jenna Maroney (Jane Krakowski) on 30 Rock. The movie's mumbly title leads to widespread confusion; even Jenna herself just pronounces it something like "Rurrrr Jurrrr," and matters aren't clarified any when she promotes it on The View in an interview with the famously mushmouthed Barbara Walters (Rachel Dratch). However, we can only assume that although the 30 Rock universe contains...well, 30 Rock, it doesn't have an IMDb, or else Liz Lemon could just look up Jenna's name to find out what the hell movie she was in. If The Rural Juror does well, though, there's talk of a sequel based on another Kevin Grisham title -- Urban Fervor.

Robin Sparkles

Thu, 01 May 2008 05:57:49 -0500

Stage name used by Robin Scherbatsky (Cobie Smulders) when she was a teen pop star in Canada. In the (transcendently awesome) "Slap Bet" episode of How I Met Your Mother, we eventually learn that Robin spent part of her adolescence touring Canadian shopping centres, performing her hit single, "Let's Go To The Mall," for her adoring fans

Parking Lots, TV Cliches Associated With

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 05:52:05 -0500

Much as we only ever see TV characters using credit cards in order for them to be declined for dramatic(-ish) purposes, so too is any extended shot of a parking lot a warning that one or more of the following predictable events is about to occur: (a) our character is going to spar with another driver over a space; (b) our character is later going to forget where he or she parked; (c) a bad guy is lying in wait to steal our character's car; or (d) crappy or non-existent parking skills are part of what makes our character so adorably quirky/hapless/absent-minded/careless. One exception to these rules is Seinfeld, which, as part of its near-anthropological documentation of day-to-day urban life, devoted several episodes to parking mishaps. "The Parking Garage," frequently cited among viewers' favourite episodes, does rely on (b), but takes the corny premise to sublime levels by layering on so many other parking misadventures -- a desperate need to urinate; a missed appointment (this was the pre-cell phone era, remember); the life of a goldfish. In "The Alternate Side," George briefly breaks up his seasons-long unemployment by taking a "job" moving cars from one side of the street to the other in order to avoid parking tickets for their owners; anyone who's ever had to endure street parking will wish they'd had access to such a service instead of having to bolt out of bed at 6 AM to avoid the street sweeper. "The Parking Space" finds George and Kramer's friend Mike each refusing to back down in a confrontation over the right way to parallel park, which devolves into a debate among everyone on the street. And in "The Handicap Spot," George becomes the target of vigilantes after illegally parking in a space set aside for the physically challenged. But the rest of the time, it's Carrie cutting off another driver in the parking lot at the supermarket on The King Of Queens; Lynette picking a fight with Tom on a garage off-ramp on Desperate Housewives, Lorelai being so cutely scatterbrained that she leaves Luke's truck running at the curb in front of the diner...the usual.